Truth.

Truth.

I’m finding out that you can run away from everyone but yourself. It seems especially true on these long lonely nights that define my life these days. And in the end it comes all down to last things, hard truths and trying to live with the aftermath.

Looking back out over a following sea, I’m running hard into the darkness and into the coming storm. If the truth comes, at least for me, it comes in these solitary hours.

The truth is that I always was a “fill in” for her. To think that I always joked with her when she asked me what life was all about. And I always saying it was all about filling holes. That one is hitting back at me now like a nine pound hammer.

You see I always knew that if her husband ever came back into the picture and stepped up that I’d be toast. But doing the smart things in life has never been my strong suit and so I loved her the only way I could. With me being me, that meant with my whole heart and soul. There were problems along the way, to be sure, but I did love her more than words can say and she said that she loved me back. So, after ten years it came as quite a shock when she just blurted out that she didn’t want to see me ever again.

Looking back and me not being as dumb as I try to pretend sometimes, I’d seen it coming for over a year. And, again, me being me, I hid all the hurt and pain and just said “kiss my ass” and headed out on the boat. Now some seventy three days gone I can no longer hide from the truth.

There never really was any future for us. My fault as well as hers, with enough blame to go around, we were doomed from the start. You see as much as I try to hide from it there are absolutes in this world. There are right things and there are wrong things. And getting involved with a married woman, no matter how much you try to say its alright because you love her so much, is just plain wrong. Knowing that doesn’t stop the hurt or kill the lonely though, and it seems I can’t run away from it anymore either.

So next port we make, I’ll call her cell and leave a message saying I understand and say goodbye one more time. But last things are hard things. Much harder than I think they should be and even just thinking about it all feels like it is killing me by degrees. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. Perhaps the best I can hope for is learning to live with it and to go on.

Still, somehow, in the midst of all this, I’ve changed. For better and for worse all at the same time. And it comes to me that if I was really the man she’d wanted she’d still be with me. That and the fact that if I were the man that she’d wanted I’d not be the man that I am now.

The lightning cracks hard around me and with it all stripped back there is no denying that I‘ve got nothing to hide from anymore. The truth is the truth and as I head straight into the wind I also head into the rest of my life and whatever it brings.

M. J. Thomas
Copyright 2013

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Rainy Day Thoughts

Rainy Day Thoughts:

On days like this, you always cross my mind and I’d swear I hear your voice in the winds…
Far off and sailing on some fast moving whisper stream,
Asking if I still think of you… at all… ever.
If it should mean anything to you the answer is,
Yes I do…

Though I wish for you only the best in your life as it is now…
I find myself wondering what my and our lives would have been like
If I’d not chosen the path I did.

But there were reasons,
Plenty of them.
On both sides.

And blame,
More than enough to go around.
On both sides.

Even if I admit that I was wrong to walk away from you,
As on rainy days like today, I most certainly have to,
I still wonder if we’d have made it.

But, Lord, looking back on it now,
How I wish we would have had the chance to find out.

I am acutely aware that my actions made that impossible.

Still, with the rain slapping hard against me,
And as your voice, riding on the winds, fades into the distance…

I send up a plea.
A prayer.
A sacred and most fervent hope.

It is quite simply,
That on at least some rainy days.
You just might remember me also.

And perhaps hearing my voice
On those same winds as they find you,
That you might forgive me…

-mjt
copyright 2012

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Family of Choice

Family of Choice…
True friendships last, grow, get stronger and change right along with us.
You instinctively know that you can count on them for always, forever, no matter what.
If we are lucky, we will be blessed and have the opportunities to meet the people who we know from the beginning will be those lasting friends.
They, independent of miles and differences of opinion, add value to our journeys throughout this lifetime, as well as those to follow.
These rare, beautiful and wondrous connections become our…
“Family of Choice.”

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Today

I woke up late this morning but managed a smile as I headed out towards my “day job” realizing it is just that…. a job.

I think I’ve finally, really, realized that it is not me…. I mean the real me.

What it is, instead, is the place I go to make money, doing the best I can in the hours I’m there, to feed the real me.

It does seem funny that it has taken this many years to figure it out.

-mjt

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“Body Heat.”

… I saw the movie “Body Heat” as a young man and ended up with very “Bad” or very “Good” feelings, depending on how you view the world and such things, but “Hot” ones in any case.

… I watched it again last night as a bit older man finding myself wishing I was a younger one again.

… Anyone who thinks that fires mellow, dwindle down to smoldering piles of ash or go out completely with age doesn’t know anything at all!

-mjt

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NAF Stuff

I’ve been playing around with amps, reverb, delay and echo on my Native American Flutes. The results are amazing. They make me sound like I am in THE PERFECT CANYON and almost know what I’m doing! So if anyone out there is thinking about the “Mini -FX” (The Oregon Flute Store) or “Microcube” (Laughing Crow Flutes) systems — just buy them both. Cry once when you spend the money but you won’t be sorry after you listen to the results.

-mjt

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Real.

At some point in your life you stop keeping score. That is the moment you “become” who you were really meant to be and your destiny is revealed.

-mjt

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